Eye of Joy

  I really want God to be proud of me.  I really want Him to know how much I care. I want Him to know I try And when I mess up– I cry Because I know I can do better.  Be better. Love Better. Write better. Listen better… I wonder if He knows that I am running toward perfection – even though I know its not attainable. And even in knowing its impossible for me to reach perfection, I cling to the idea of it because it makes me feel closer to Him... A little more worthy of grace I've received even when I did not acknowledge His name– Jehovah. Even when I did not put the respect it deserved on His Sons name, who was sacrificed so that I might be forgiven for my sins – Jesus Christ . I want God to know, I'll never stop trying. Regardless of what they say  Regardless of what they do “ I know you  and I know that you know me too. Therefore I’ll continue to sprint towards your presence, even when falling. The trip could never hurt worse than dying and realizing that rathe...

  I’m mad  at my father for not staying longer Im mad at my mother for being physically present, but not mentally there   Im mad at God for making me this way  Why is it that I can walk in a room and feel its energy? Why is that I feel other peoples pain as if its my own?  I'm mad at America for being a liar, an oppressor, and a racist  I’m mad at the people doing good work but to stubborn to work together  I’m mad at the kids killing each other and even madder at their parents  I’m mad as hell and I don't know what to do with it.. So Imma just sit my mad ass down . 

  I’m crying for myself  For my uncle My mother Im crying because I hate conflict and yet its the landscape I was born into  Im crying because i’m angry  Im crying because i’m sad  Im crying because I miss my dad  And he never got to see what i’d become  Im crying because I need to  Im crying because if I dont I might kill somebody  Im crying to keep my sanity  Im crying to acknowledge and validate my feelings  Im crying because each tear that drops is an ode to those before me , friends no longer present.... and its proof that I AM still here.