Eye of Joy

  In the depths, there is darkness Without darkness is there light?  In the depths you find truth, hurt, pain— feelings that stem from suppressed memories and joy you’ll never be able to replicate. Some may say out of darkness comes creativity, inspiration, vision – gone unseen without the balance of the light & dark In the depths some get lost  In the depths other find their soul Are depths the wilderness that Jesus walked through? Are the depths depression and anxiety?  Are the depths different for each being or are we all walking the same route? When do we make it out?  Is it a choice or do we wait for our number to be called ? How do we prepare for the exit, if there is one… And will my mother be there? In the depths; may be where I am now  So i suppose only up from here, right? Without the depths, how could I ever have known that there’d be light at the end of the tunnel….

  A lover of winter  Selfishly I sit in the window gazing down at the peasants below Ignoring a 600 pound cheetah waiting for his meal in the background  Absorbed in the materials of the world believing it will bring me all the joy I ever wanted. Scrolling without awareness of time, knowing my next move will be determined by the newest trending topic A life of ease wouldn't you say? The season of Mr. Frost  An awful view  A hungry predator  All the bags and shoes I can buy And my social media following ; who determine what I like, where I'm going this weekend and my very next move  What a life!

  At 26 years on this rotating ball, this is what I have from you.  Nothing.  Okay, maybe not nothing… But nothing exciting.  Apparently no one really has the answers to how this is supposed to go or rather how to do it.  “It” being LIFE and the requirements.  The healing  The taxes The relationships  The housing  The injustice  Nobody Knows.. If you believe in a higher power you’ll be better off. If you have genuine relationships that extend past drunken nights out, you’re going in the right direction  And if you are able to see the people who worked together to create you as human beings outside of the given title of a “parent”  first it makes things slightly easier to accept  Nowadays, sometimes all it takes is a quick google search for the answer  Other times google IS NOT the answer  Everything takes time, so no point in rushing.  Our idea of “society” is super fraudulent so you might be better off disc...

  Loving you is like …. Riding a bike on a sunny, summer, cool day. As the light wind breathes against my face, I stretch my arms and hands out balancing on the foundation you’ve began to set, believing in your construction plan, knowing you will step up. You will be there. To know that… Loving you,  It is an honor, a privilege God has given me. Loving you is easy, like butter & bread Loving you, is loving me  Loving you is recognizing my worth and how valuable I am  Loving you is light, it is spirit like  God's love for me shines through you . Loving you is real. Loving you is truth.  I’m in love with you. 

  What does his drum do for him?  Does it comfort him in the night?  Does the sound ignite fire that breathes life into his soul? Does the drum bring his family home?  Does it lead them though the darkness when their physical eyes deceive them?  What does the drum do for the man?  Does it tell him he can?  Does it speak to him through the movement of his hands?  Does it cry for him?  Does it laugh for him?  Does it allow him to be seen?  Can he see himself ? Can he see her– through his drum… What does the drum do for the man? 

  At some point I did something to make you look at me differently. Even though you don't say it, I see it. You move differently, you talk differently, even your smile is different.  I begin to blame myself for something I'm not even sure I did;  proceed to figure out how to make you happy again. I go back and forth with myself wondering is it really just me or is it you too?  I automatically take responsibility for trying to make you a part of the issue and instead begin to reflect on my behavior and what I could do better. I see my faults, I take accountability and proceed to move forward believing that the issue has been fixed. Things are good until they aren't.  Its me again and I begin to ask myself, is it me or is it you too?  Here we go again 

  I stay in the depths of caves, narrow, wide, deep, short, and expansive … One sentence can send me into a cave for days, weeks ,not wallowing but searching  Inspecting, using a magnifying glass to get as close as I can to the maker of this cave I wonder why, how, when, what are the reasons? Sometimes I even answer my own posed questions Some may enjoy hearing about my exploration of these caves, they may take notes and put one gem or two in their pockets for later —some may just sit and listen.  But others may wonder why must she be so deep into these caves?? Thinking or feeling as though there’s nothing really in there but despair.. Urging me to come out and see the stars! No more questions, just surface level gazing.. They say “see, it's nice up here.” “It’s light up here.” “Don't you want to spend your time up here?”  I really wish I could but even on the surface there is a depth to it that I can't unsee .