H.A.I.R

    

I won’t sit here and pretend as though the way in which I see myself does not shift when my hair is “done”......

More specifically when it is done with “additions”--- other people's hair. Hair that has been manufactured, hair that hasn’t grown from my head. 

I’d be a liar if I said when it’s me, just me and my hair —- there isn't a feeling of inadequacy. A feeling of ugly. Not attractive or rather “not as attractive as…..”

And yeah while in part; the tv and the favoring of fare skinned girls with curly hair in music videos did not help this feeling of inadequacy...

MY hair hate stems right from the spaces that I occupied the most.

It came from auntie's mouth and cousins stares and whispers. 

It came from perm after perm and no real healthy hair maintenance . It came from only ever being complimented once the hair is added and fried. 

It came from getting verbally shamed by my older cousin for not having longer hair. 

It came from not knowing what to do or how to care for my hair in 6th grade and my father being upset with me as I verbalized the disdain I had for the natural hair that grew from my head. Screaming in tears  “I hate my hair”.

You see.... 

I can’t look at her in the mirror. Just me and her because it’s hard to see beauty. Scared to cut it because that means it’s even shorter, harder to figure out. And now nothing will distract you from seeing me. My round face when I am eating well. The scars that come and go; the eyebrows that without a thread or wax get thick and large, the big nose that I never really think about but it might appear bigger and that frightens me....

What will make me beautiful if my hair is not done? 

What does it being “done” even mean?