Eye of Joy

 Self Talk  You are not enough  You could be better  You are lacking, you’re not doing a good job  Someone could do this so much better than you.  On mute in spaces of opportunity, feeling as though you’ll say only the wrong things. Hyper awareness of facials and body language move you toward pleasing rather than simply existing. Caring more about how others will receive you based off conditioning that stems from the rearview mirror.  Stop trying to fix the mirror and make sure your windshield is not cracked!! For it does not matter what is behind you but what is in front..  Looking back; letting what was turn you into a pillar of salt will cause a crash in front of you.   So even if at one point you were not enough.  You are enough today.  Even if, at one point you could’ve been better and you weren’t. Today you acknowledge where you can be better and you follow through.  Even if, at one point you were lacking and you wer...

  BLACK LOVE  Black love to me is loving even when you are not liked or loved back.  Loving regardless of the wounds you walk with, regardless of the pain you feel.  Loving because you know what it feels like to lack, you know what it feels like to NOT lean into love— black love.  Love that is ever growing, it seeps through the cracks of the concrete, under and through the dilapidated buildings many call home.  Black love-- love that looks different but comes from the core of life lessons, soul food, and God Her Self.  Black love-- love that transcends the darkest places knowing what it is to exist in the shadows only ever seen or felt behind a vail of excessive aggression and titles of self-hate.  Black love no matter the decade, generation, place or time is something that can be felt from every corner of the room , it is acceptance, it is power, it is light, it is essence, energy, spirit — not God, but God like — a reflection. 

  A Moment N' Time            “ Grateful to have you by my side. Regardless of what we are I know that we ARE.  We experienced partnership, friendship and romance.  And no matter what  I know that we exist. We exist outside of the surface of what ppl say to be regular, normal or ideal. I have found a real friend, a true friend, a partner. A real partner ----and even if you are not perfect you ARE and for that I am forever  grateful .... Interlude                  Often we are having experiences that we assume, hope and even pray will last our lifetime and sometimes beyond that. These experiences produce emotions and feelings, some that we like and some we don’t like. And we do our best to hold on to the ones we really like. Sometimes I think we forget that what we are having is just that a “experience”. And nowhere in the definition of that word whether noun or v...

  Perspective                      Every once in a while I look at myself and think “wow God really put something together”.  Other times I’m looking strictly from a fleshly perspective, which has a different point of view...  It would be a lie if I said the confidence I exude is always at its highest peak. But I learned from watching, hearing and having an experience of my own that taught me a very important lesson. That lesson being; you have to tell yourself you are beautiful and that you matter. You have to tell yourself that you are worthy and you have a purpose.  And when you continue to do that— the belief is solidified and after that you wouldn’t dare be near or around anyone who treats you otherwise. You’ll stand in truth of exactly who you are, head high; understanding that in your truth you are the most free.  “They say they chasin freedom, but walk in trends “ God Made My face: a Collec...

U n  t i t l e d        Singlehood : the state of being single and especially unmarried           Principle : a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning.            Esoteric: intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest  “Understood by few I have no interest in the many, although my heart is far from skinny I reflect on the effects being too open has done to my mental. Believing that PRINCIPLE is what we all have in common then coming to realize even the “real” is fraudulent. I ask myself am I still single if it’s me and God? Wondering if that’s what it should be cause Paul told us to stay unmarried — if we could avoid the roaring passions that lay between our legs. And so, now I ponder with the thought of SINGLEHOOD as a trophy rather ...

  (Man)ipulation                        In church this Sunday, Pastor Dharius said something like “ God created all men equally worthy, however it does not mean every person is worthy of you”.                     It’s not the first time he said it. It’s not the first time I heard it. It is however the first time where I understood the application of it. We are all created by the Most High. And this makes us inevitably worthy. We all deserve love, grace, empathy, compassion. To be listened to, to be cared for…. We all deserve that and we need it. What it comes down to is knowing who is and who is not for you. Whether it be friend, partner, family whatever , whoever. And this is where discernment is key. It’s so easy to let good intention and a “good heart” lead you and manipulate your perspective. Whole time the discernment God gives you is left outsid...

  New Year                     As the year comes to a close many will say but few will actually do; and in do I mean take the time to actually reflect, to consider, to grieve, to release--- people, things, feelings, and memories that no longer serve them. I’ve talked about the illusion of control a number of times. We want to feel like we have it; most often in times where we don’t..... Interlude : I could feel that it was time to let go. Things were becoming toxic and stressful. And I was getting that feeling I get when I've reached a certain threshold with someone. I’m not big on grudges and i do my best to practice giving grace and mercy because God has done that for me. But I can’t help but acknowledge how I think I’ve misused or misunderstood what giving grace really looks like. I think for me it’s a fine line between giving grace and making excuses for people. Because of where I’m at right now spiritually and becaus...

  Womanhood                      What is the woman to you?                       Who is she? What are her flaws? Do you see them at all or is there only perfection from your perspective?           The woman to me has been many things and the things at the forefront of my mind aren’t good. In fact they reflect the very things people give women the most slack for. But then, when I sit and I think about it, my experience with the woman happened way before I walked this earth. And in order to get here, she had to carry me. Create a home, a safe enough space for me to exist while growing into what I’d exist as. Womanhood. Experiences I had with the girls at school, outside, in the family... All of these moments fixed my idea of the woman. And as I grew and left home, I met the woman in ...

  Hate            I hate how much I yearn for connection.           I hate that I wasn’t given a brother or a sister who could understand the experience because they lived through the context —with me.           I hate that when I’m okay, moments of loneliness creep up and wraps its arms around me; reminding me that i'm alone and i'm not okay with it.           I hate that I lean into ppl knowing damn well they are imperfect, knowing damn well that they probably will not treat me how I treat them.           I hate that even what appeared to be the simplest man for me ; ended up cutting me deep; in a way I want so badly to release, but still find myself caught up in the ins and outs of what was and wasn’t.           I hate that people say men lie as it’s just how they are made.      ...

  Making Space            Make space for mistakes but understand your value enough to know when they must grow somewhere else.           I’m not in the business of hurting, but we all have done things that affected people in a way maybe we didn’t foresee. Sometimes we move too fast and other times we move too slow. Believing in a higher power has been what has allowed me to relinquish the fake control we think we have in this experience. What actually is joy? What actually is peace? What actually is pain? I personally don’t think anyone could answer without being connected to something bigger than themselves. We set all of these parameters; make our mind up about how we are going to navigate and then move as if one single thing couldn’t come tomorrow and change everything we ever knew— including our minds. Sometimes I wonder ; when is this physical experience over —because I feel outside of it. But then I remem...

  Conversation           " I have no interest in having a conversation about the conversation we already had. The conversation where you put your foot down and told me your intent and how you "'actually" felt about us... Although I know you are swayed by the day and have no real grasp on the foundation you stand on; I won’t act as though those words that slid out of your mouth as smooth as a slithering snake didn’t bite me good. Passing venom into my veins, they led me to wrestle with hateful thoughts of my own. You say shit cause it sounds good for whatever moment you’re in; but I dont think you meditate on it. But what I "think” is really irrelevant in the wide scope of things... It's not for me to figure out— what you truly want. I have no desire in putting my heart back into what ended up being a crossfire of lack. Lack of clarity.. Lack of foundation.. Lack of honest truth.. Lack…. I have no time for that. So respectfully I decline to h...

  The Process July 10, 2023             It’s crazy how some transitions happen slow and steady. In those you are almost able to somewhat prepare yourself because you can tell it’s happening. Then other transitions slap you in the face and push you down 10 flights of steps.      You come out a little bruised and sore but —-them be the ones wit the greatest reward... We can’t really foresee how the transitions in our lives will take form. Often times it might be losing ppl we never thought we’d lose. Switching jobs, moving houses, cities etc… If you're like me you believe that God got you. So even in the mist of the fall you know that the immediate impact to the ground won’t be as hard as it could be. You know that your Father will catch you or at least put something there for you to fall on. The bones that could’ve been broken will be in tact and the scars that would’ve been permanent fade away. It’s all about the p...

  Inconsistent Truths  May 2023  “You don’t lie, but your truths seem untrue. I find myself having to circle around for clarity, which leaves me confused. You speak as though what you say is true, but I wonder do you even believe you? A wonderful person you are, but this flaw you present causes my walls to rush up as if intruders are near. Asking God to make it clear; I know patience is a virtue. Beginning to wonder if a non-negotiable of mine is the presentation of untrue truths...."

  Control  Wednesday May 3rd I was watching the Judy Blum documentary on Prime Video and it taught me something… It taught me that you may meet rejection over and over again before you see acceptance; and even once you see acceptance, criticism will come along. It'll sweep you away like a waterfall hitting a calm river; causing its currents to take you in a direction you never anticipated. Control is something we all want; we yearn for it. We are hungry for it. We hope that if we can just grasp control; we will have things figured out or at least have a plan for when something goes left. But "controool" (in the rhythm of Janet Jacksons 1986 hit ) is something we don’t really have. If anything we live in an illusion of control. The one thing we can have is something we can’t see; something that requires a since of imagination; requires the decision to believe in things unseen. We can have Faith. We can hold Faith tight. So tight, that what we believe t...

  Jealousy            Jealousy. While such an ugly trait many of us possess it. Not in the most extreme forms, but rather the most subtle. So subtle that we could probably live our entire life without anyone ever knowing that jealousy lived within us; because everything about us was the very opposite of what jealousy is believed to be.  We often think about the mean girl in the movie who picks on someone because in all reality she wishes she could be like that person. The character that does everything to ruin someone’s reputation or business because they want to be the one on top.  The story we barely see or that is overlooked is the kid who grows up always yearning for that love they’ve seen so many others receive, never really experiencing it for themselves. And because of this rejection as they move through life when approached with that love they’ve longed for; they become attached and selfish.  They don’t want that love to be ...

  Belonging                 We all have a role.  The provider, the lover, the comedian. The  fighter, the protector, the wise one.  Many of us are trying to figure out what our role is.  Where we belong, how we belong and how we can contribute.  Searching for home, searching companionship, searching for love.  Asking what traits add to our role, what characteristics make us and our position worthy?  How do you fit this puzzle?  Do you fit at all?  Is your puzzle piece becoming a different shape?  Is your puzzle changing? And if so where do you now belong?  We all have roles; some long term, others expected to change with time.